Monday, April 17, 2006

Where Is My Muse?

The starry sky,
sober moonlight.
I start to write
An ode to the night..

Mind barren, infertile and vast
Hands stop, fingers move.
only to scratch
An unwritten past.

Eyes closed, I pose.
Images flow, of people, of places..
Where is my muse?
In broken chords, in incomplete phrases?

Dilapidated lines
call out my name.
What have you made of us?
We stand, defamed!

Snapshots of memories
Distantly near.
Lost between time and space,
My muse, so unclear.

Mortality of men
Or futility of life?
Dawn of a new day
Or end of a strife?

Where is my muse?
Lost in God's vanity
Flying with clipped wings
My insane sanity!

My first poem of the year after a long time of drought in my head! phew! Where the hell is my muse ??

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bring me to life..

Something that is more fascinating than life, something that is intriguing, something which signifies the end for some, beginning for others, liberation for some, binding for others. Something that made me realise the purpose of life. DEATH....

"Please dont cry. I am so sorry" a dialogue i rehearsed in my head, as I got ready to face my cousin whose Appa passed away two days back. He was my uncle. These words seemed so lame to me as soon as i uttered them. I dreaded meeting her, what was I supposed to say? Sorry?? for what??

When I saw her surrounded by all her friends, she turned. I smiled. Words wont come out. I hugged, she cried. I did not. She wouldn leave me. I dint wanna. She held my hand. I took her out. All in silence. We were alone now. I said I love you. She cried. I did not.
They brought the body.

Body? the heart not beating... soul still alive. Now and forever. It was sealed with some number followed by NON MLC- BRAHMIN.. Ya right!

The son was told to pour water on himself and chant some mantras which the vadhyar(pandit) recited for a living, the son repeated like a parrot, cursing God inside his head. I stood there in the midst of familiar unknown faces. It was time to light the lamp. "where is east? " Everyone blinked. What the hell is in the east? sun rises!! will he wake up to see it?

Chanting continues as more people enter. Someone calls me. "Put three spoons of water in his mouth" . I dont know how I got the courage to do that. Numb as ever I went. Someone held his mouth as I thought, I wish I could give you a glass of this, but they wont let me.
He smiled.

The son was told to keep his father's head on his lap and say something in his ear to the effect of "I will take care of mother and sister" was too complicated for me to interpret. Some elder asked "aayacha?" (meaning, is it over?) Vadhyar nodded. Was'nt it over long back??
They wrapped the 'body'. She said "sadhana appava kondupo vendam sollu, please sadhana" (tell them not take appa). She cried. I did not.

We watched the ambulance go past us, taking something precious away. We followed the crowd of mourning relatives and some other people who had come to give attendance, as they explained why others couldn make it, citing reasons inapt and unnecessary. She walked next to me, but miles away, talkin to her appa.

And at that moment i realised what a fool i had been!

I was chasing some dream i did not need, i was running away from myself and others for something i presumed was mine. Life was apparently being unfair to me! Reality hit hard.
I collected myself, I took her hand in mine as my mind rebelled against my heart. I told myself, my life is so full, I have so much more to share. I left her at her doorstep, "Take care. I will come at night.Eat something", was all i could manage. She smiled for the first time. I did not.

He had to die to bring me back to reality. To what I have. To what I really need. To my duties, my responsibilities, my family,my friends. He had to die to bring me back to life. To me.
I cried.

Coming of Age

Did you know the Japanese have a coming-of-age holiday? So, every year, the second Monday of January is a national holiday to celebrate...