Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bring me to life..

Something that is more fascinating than life, something that is intriguing, something which signifies the end for some, beginning for others, liberation for some, binding for others. Something that made me realise the purpose of life. DEATH....

"Please dont cry. I am so sorry" a dialogue i rehearsed in my head, as I got ready to face my cousin whose Appa passed away two days back. He was my uncle. These words seemed so lame to me as soon as i uttered them. I dreaded meeting her, what was I supposed to say? Sorry?? for what??

When I saw her surrounded by all her friends, she turned. I smiled. Words wont come out. I hugged, she cried. I did not. She wouldn leave me. I dint wanna. She held my hand. I took her out. All in silence. We were alone now. I said I love you. She cried. I did not.
They brought the body.

Body? the heart not beating... soul still alive. Now and forever. It was sealed with some number followed by NON MLC- BRAHMIN.. Ya right!

The son was told to pour water on himself and chant some mantras which the vadhyar(pandit) recited for a living, the son repeated like a parrot, cursing God inside his head. I stood there in the midst of familiar unknown faces. It was time to light the lamp. "where is east? " Everyone blinked. What the hell is in the east? sun rises!! will he wake up to see it?

Chanting continues as more people enter. Someone calls me. "Put three spoons of water in his mouth" . I dont know how I got the courage to do that. Numb as ever I went. Someone held his mouth as I thought, I wish I could give you a glass of this, but they wont let me.
He smiled.

The son was told to keep his father's head on his lap and say something in his ear to the effect of "I will take care of mother and sister" .......rest was too complicated for me to interpret. Some elder asked "aayacha?" (meaning, is it over?) Vadhyar nodded. Was'nt it over long back??
They wrapped the 'body'. She said "sadhana appava kondupo vendam sollu, please sadhana" (tell them not take appa). She cried. I did not.

We watched the ambulance go past us, taking something precious away. We followed the crowd of mourning relatives and some other people who had come to give attendance, as they explained why others couldn make it, citing reasons inapt and unnecessary. She walked next to me, but miles away, talkin to her appa.

And at that moment i realised what a fool i had been!

I was chasing some dream i did not need, i was running away from myself and others for something i presumed was mine. Life was apparently being unfair to me! Reality hit hard.
I collected myself, I took her hand in mine as my mind rebelled against my heart. I told myself, my life is so full, I have so much more to share. I left her at her doorstep, "Take care. I will come at night.Eat something", was all i could manage. She smiled for the first time. I did not.

He had to die to bring me back to reality. To what I have. To what I really need. To my duties, my responsibilities, my family,my friends. He had to die to bring me back to life. To me.
I cried.

7 comments:

maximus said...

maaan!! i dunno what to say. death, they say is the commonest happening which we come across everyday but seldom get affected. when we do.. the basis of our lives, our belief systems, our foundations and our very existence becomes questionable.

the way u have written the piece deserves to be read by millions of students as their texts. that way it will reach them easily.

i was shaken and stirred and the imagery is excellent.. i could see myself clearly standing there as helpless and detached but painfilly attached as u were.

moi said...

wow... that was some post. very well written.
i could actually feel it.
it's true. sometimes in life, we fail to see what we have unless it is taken away from us. very few times, we get a second chance. i got mine. hope u make good use of yours.
love ya.

Tsu said...

wow!!! never read anythin so hard hittin likt his b4!! experience does teach u i guess...

moontalk said...

that was extremely powerful.thats all i'll say...
take care da

Vodka said...

i have never respected you more than today, when i read it.

Anonymous said...

Sadhana,

I didn't cry so much on Apr.9'06
but I cried and cried after reading this. It brought me back to life.

Amma

mad angel said...

I was touched, it brought back some memories, i was trying to forget!
good going girl, you have the subtle sensitivity to be a gr8 writer.....love u Ms Sub-Editor.

mads