Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Cockroach Saga

When God created man...
woman
plants
nature
animals
blah
blah
reptiles
everything was still heaven.....
Inspite of the introduction of Man...

until....
the advent of the insects....
Cockroaches came, saw, conquered
and all hell broke loose....

The problem is not with their existance, it is with infringment. I have butcherd many, beaten them to pulp. Literally took the life outta them, but they refuse to leave. They have taken a liking to the vicinity that I understand as mine.

The other day, a couple of cockroaches trespassed into the media lab, I mean what guts! Entering the very same area that the rest of the world detests....
Ree screams at the top of her lungs, 'Yuck!' mumm mumm mumm... thats how she blabbers at times...
"Sadie cockroach!" I was like, what?! I was stick insect first and now Iam cockroach, as I rehearsed which gaali to use, she exclaimed, "cockroach hai yahan pe!!"

Then began the hunt. I got ready for the kill.

Step one: Search for chappal, bathroom slippers nahi chalega...
Proper chappals so that the insides of the insect do not spoil the newly acquired 100 buck footwear. It is always good to carry your weapon...cos some of them fly, cockroaches I mean..
Sadly no one has invented a weapon to kill them, HIT kills you more than the cockroach and then you feel you might as well let it live...

Step two: Brooms are of good use, to beat anyone for that matter..But this step is to first search for the 'roach (cocky doesn sound good so...) every possible place, under the table, behind curtains..they love corners but are very restless, keep running back and forth, run behind them.
If they go into those godforsaken nooks and corners, follow them. Remember, that thing is your aim. Its hit and win!

Step three: Dont give up. You will always have other ppl around you, active audience in terms of " abey vahan hai, idhar hai.. kya kar rahi ha yaar, dekh bhaag gaya phir se..saala" ('roaches are always addressed with the male norms of name calling, hmmm..)
Dont lose focus..

Step four: Now that you have wasted too much time, catch the damn thing! Hit ones, it will look at you, with an extremely boring expression and say

'roach- "Dude Wassup?"
Me- "Bloody thats exactly where Iam gonna send you, up!"

'roach- " heheheehe" (runs)
Me- bloody!

'roach- "catch me if you can!"
Me- phat! phat! phat! catch me if you can, it seems! phew..

'roach-wriggles, stirs, antennae squashed, eyes displaced..
but smirk intact..
Me-phat!

'roach-no movement, dead and gone...RIP

Over...
wait..

Step five: look for accomplices...they never attack alone..
If you find some more...repeat step 1 to 5..

Step six: throw the crap in the dustbin, use paper....give it a 'whatever' look

Step seven: Let the victory sink in, rejoice! ;)

Well, now that I have provided you with a comprehensive guide 'to kill a mocking cockroach', I hope my services would not be required anymore, right Ms Ree?
You did a pretty good job in the morning, I heard...

I hope next time "Cockroach!! Where is Sadie??" will not be uttered in the same breath....

MT
Pest control Dept.

19 comments:

Shailesh said...

Hello pest control Dept.
Mam can i hire one of your expert to perform step one to five. Next two mere bachchhe kar lenge.

Why dont you publish this guide for the help of people like Ree.

Reema Banerjee said...

I love u I Love u...for had u not been in the place acorss the walls of which we mostly communicate, i wud never have mustered up the courage in sheer desperation to go chase it with a broom. really.
conquered. finally :) maa will be proud

Prude said...

We're moving house in Sep 2007. I would like a complete extermination at my new premises. Its been said that your a cockroach killing legend. I want the very best. How about we set up the terms and conditions of the agreement right now? I'll get my lawyer to call you 'great one'...

congrats by the way!! I've always had a fear of the men in black climax coming true at some point or the other!!!

nothin.. within said...

he he!u know how good to read one cockroch is catching other one so at last u gain weight aap to cockroch se sher ho gayi mam correct no!!

Me Thinks.. said...

@Shailesh you woul dhave to pay me loads of chocolates...

@Ree always at your service ma'am...

@prude Hehe well, you never know, it just might come true;)

@NW Abey main kabhi cockroach thi hi nahi, chashma change maadi...;)

PritS said...

This is called bravery :)

Me Thinks.. said...

@ prits thanks man;) your blog has amazing pictures...great work..;)

Shailesh said...

Reema ko Free me service aur mujhe nahi ise kahte hain pakshpat. :(

aks said...

LOL...U gurls can really write nd lighten up the day...
Humour is a reall difficult act to project and to reflect it in words ..U got sum writin DNA in you...
great goin nd thnks for N-couragin me to do sumthing that my mum has been sayin 22 long years but still hasnt given up...Write ..communicate ...
lazzybumm

well will keep writin...

adios
aks

Preethsss said...

now i request u to write a guide on winning over a tough boss...without getting into the legal issues ofcourse...would appretiate if it was on the same lines at the roaches :)

mad angel said...

What of all that negative karma that you accumulate on the way...and poor things, you have no idea what a traumatic experience it is for them to be pulped that way.

glad to know that you're retiring, I am starting PCAR...prevention of cruelty against roaches...maybe you could join me!

tanu said...

hilarious!!! absolutely entertaining.. u are buzzing on gmail and i dont feel like leaving this page without readin it till the end!!! how to kill a mocking roach!!! har har har... our resident pest controller-thomas,the cat will be really proud of u!!! he is asleep 23hours a day so he isnt present for live comments ...
fktebrbr-word verification!!!;-) horny!

Arcane Crapper said...

Aha! You've not included the epilogue.

For the benefit of all -

I will publicly broadcast on blogdom that after the cockroach has been mutilated and exterminated, and the audience has disappeared, you rummage through the dustbin and eat te roach. You love the crunchy feeling, don't you?

pRicky said...

Ah hmmm!!!
PETA protest outside ur institute...
And u buy 100ruppe footware??? flabergasted...
but you forgot
that sometimes they roll over and play dead...
FOTCL!!!

Anand Sarolkar said...

What about a cockroach which comes with a Dosa? Beat the Cheff up witha broom probably;)

Me Thinks.. said...

@aks Thanks. Hope to see you soon. Glad you started blogging..

@Mad angel thanks, but no thanks

@tanu say hi to thomas!

@AC only you could have come up with that!

@pricky that sthe difference between an expert eye and a not so expert one..

@Anand eat it, if its tasty, give extra tip! ;)

Arcane Crapper said...

So you ADMIT it! HA!

Me Thinks.. said...

@AC of course I do , cos its you! ;)

Anand Sarolkar said...

Egg dosas are tasty not the roach ones!!!